and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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