I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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