the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
