i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
