I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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