i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
