We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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