look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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