I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
