So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
