Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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