question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
