its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize