Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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