I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize