How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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