It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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