I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
There are leaves in my underwear?
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