we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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