tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
3pm strippers are depressing
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
