You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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