I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
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