You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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