he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
