Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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