some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
