i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I am mentally ready for anal.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
