If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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