Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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