Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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