I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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