I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize