Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
