when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
