I haven't been this sober since birth.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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