Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Randomize
