I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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