I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I wish i was in the wii world.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
