She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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