What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
