i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
