Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
