I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
