i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
