woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I'm at about main and main street
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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