I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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