When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Randomize
