my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
