He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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