she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
