I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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