I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
