now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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