Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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