yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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