so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
