Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
