I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
