From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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