I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
