I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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