barbara walters just said penis...
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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