i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize
