ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
